Dr. Shellie

I love work travel.

When I was a grad student, I used to travel a lot for fun. Since I was spending my own (meager stores of) money, no hardship was too great if it reduced the cost. I took the train through Europe, trudging through each city with a heavy pack from the station to the nearest youth hostel. In Hungary, the hostel had overflowing toilets and shit on the floor. In Japan, I  took overnight bus rides to save on a few nights’ lodging. In Sweden, it was too expensive to eat anything outside a supermarket. In Mexico, my grad stipend stretched a bit further, and I sprang for the nicest meal in town– which only cost $15. Sacrifices and all, it was great fun. 

Now I travel a lot for work. This is an entirely different activity that should be called by an entirely different name. The whole principle of WorkTravel is that when you yourself are not paying, anything can be justified on the principle of increased efficiency. A shuttle van takes twice as long to get to the airport as a taxi? Well, surely my time is worth the $20 differential! Going to a conference? Well then, it really is most convenient to stay at the $289 hotel three blocks away, rather than rent a car an drive in from the $89 hotel in the suburbs! There is no time that I love capitalism more than when sleeping in a king size bed with a plush, leopard-skin throw in a room decorated with tasteful modernist art in the city’s newest boutique hotel.

The capitalist economy knows that WorkTravelers will pay to avoid hassle. Want to avoid loud, bumpy subway rides and hauling your suitcase up three flights of stairs to transfer lines en route to the airport? You will pay for a cab. Don’t like listening to Christian talk radio* or getting quizzed on Bryan Greene’s PBS special on string theory** by overeducated-but-underemployed cabbies? You will pay for a limo. Not only do you avoid smudging your fine WorkClothes on the dirty, vinyl seats and breathing in stale cigarette smoke, your accommodating limo driver will not even speak to you. Want to avoid the overzealous, sales reps for Discovery Toys en route to their annual sales conference in Rio, who hone in on the parents next to them in security check and hand out flyers for "Completely educational products! And we always need more sales reps in your area! Oh HOW CUTE. How OLD is he???"? Well, if you want to avoid the Discovery Toys people, you buy your own jet.***

The only problem with WorkTravel is that it’s raising my standards. No longer am I content to stay in crappy youth hostels and eat bread and cheese. Where are my crab cake appetizers, reimbursable by work? Where is my spotless marble bathroom with tub for long soaks? And I sure can’t afford this kind of thing on my own time– not on a postdoc’s salary! I’m grateful for WorkTravel, but I miss my long backpacking trips, when the world seemed to be mine — for a whole two weeks and just 1000 dollars.

* Caller: "It’s just that I believe in freedom for religious minorities in all contexts, including the public schools." Host: "So if another kid’s parents accept Satan as their personal Savior, you want them to be able to talk about in class? I don’t think so. Next caller."

** Yes, this really happened to me. You know, since I’m some kind of scientist, PhD-type person.

*** Once I overheard some very, very rich guys discussing the issue. Apparently, at some point it actually becomes "cheaper" to have your own– along the lines of the "if Bill Gates drops a $200 bill on the sidewalk, it isn’t worth his time to pick it up" sort of thing.